Life has been busy. This school year has been a tough one. This summer I had a wave of anxiety like never before. I couldn't stop thinking about my classroom and getting it organized (as I sit here remembering my heart begins to race). Why? Because this school year had such wonderful promise. I was in a new room, I was able to organize it the way I've always wanted, I had some great new ideas for my upcoming first graders. One never knows how grief will affect them until it does. It hit me first day back at work at the faculty retreat. I think that major melt down was in an earlier post. (yikes!) The school year began and I never felt completely prepared (what teacher does?), mostly due to this excessive anxiety to get it right, not show my hurt or sadness, my drive not to allow depression to enter my life for any reason. Then I meet my wonderful class. OH MY!! I have a very smart group of kiddos and a very active, hands on, don't take your eyes off group! Which is such a challenge. Some days I am up for it and other days I fail HUGE!! This past week I felt like such a failure as a teacher. Because we know the saying you always hear "Children may not remember what you say, what you did with them or for them, but they will remember how you make them feel." This cuts my heart in a Ka-Jillion pieces!! I never want to hurt a child's heart or for them to think I'm mean. But lately...I feel mean! No excuses can be made. So how do I change?? I fight this "yucky" in me! I dive head first, heart first, feet first into the word of God. How do I do all this first you may ask? You ball up and you cry out to God for forgiveness and ask Him to change your heart and to help you not to become some evil teacher that you read about in books or fairy tales. With the rise of teacher bashing, public school bashing and Common Core misunderstandings; I don't want to fall into some crazy statistics! All I can do is try to change my attitude. When you feel like all the hard work you are doing doesn't matter at all. It's tough! Then in December I learned that I had three types of strep along with Epstein Barr. Hello?! Not to mention some crazy virus only kids get. (Sometimes I think I'm in a battle zone of germs.) So that is why I've felt so horrible for months. All I wanted to do was sleep. So I began my quest to be even more healthy. So I started taking a plethora of vitamins, minerals, prebiotics and probiotics. So after finding all this out and beginning all these supplements. I take my dear friend to B'ham for knee surgery. On the way there I begin to feel kind of sick. I don't think too much of it. That night I can't sleep and my skin hurts. I run to the bathroom every 30 minutes (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I had crystals in my kidneys), and I'm feeling extremely yucky. The next day my friend has no idea I feel bad. I'm trying my hardest to pay attention to everything the doctor is saying about her because she is on some heavy pain meds. So the drive home is painful. I am feeling so bad. I know I am running a fever. So when I finally get home and take my temp ... OH MY 103.4!! Am I dying???? I never run fevers higher than 100. Well six weeks later I'm feeling better but still super tired, but not all the time. The sleepies hit me around 4 o'clock or some days 5 o'clock. So I know I am getting better. This makes me happy.
(A photo I found on Pinterest!)
So as I continue to fail in my mind, I have to tap into my spirit man which knows that I am not truly failing if I am working unto the Lord. The bible tells us "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, .......For it is the Lord that you are serving"...Colossians 3:23-24. Everyday, I do my best to work unto the Lord and not rely on human praise. Some days, I fail at this!! I am human. Right?! I want to know that I have done a good job. I am trying to be excellent in my job. But this year I have been tested. Some times I pass and most days I feel like I have failed. Why? Because I'm still grieving? Because I am exhausted? Yes to both. But I will never give up trying to be my best and do my best. Oh and I find JOY in knowing that God forgives me and finds a way for that child that I hurt to also forgive me because I asked for forgiveness.
So once again I have wowed you with my most inner ramblings.
If you can, pray that I can get rid of this Epstein Barr for good! Also, pray that I can reach my goal weight finally and be the healthiest me ever!!
Thanks for reading!
Virginia
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