Some Days are Hard!

This past week I read a sweet friend's blog of her struggles of grieving after miscarriage. I have been searching my heart and mind for how to write down what I have been feeling over the past month. Just when I could smile again and hear God's voice again...I think I'm healed my grieving for our babies lost is over. No not really, some days are just hard! You see a young mother struggling with her little ones out, you see a little girl who looks like what you envisioned your baby to look like, or you see a little baby boy and you think... Maybe that's my problem I just keep thinking about it. Grieving is hard...as I began this new school year I thought I was ok. I arrived at my destination for a Faculty Retreat, that I did not want to attend, with feeling ok; at least better than I had felt in a long time. Also, looking a lot different than I did just two short months ago. I was prepared for issues such as "How's the adoption?", "My baby is sleeping through the night.", to "I can't believe my baby is in high school this year." But what I wasn't prepared for was seeing a sweet co-worker, who is on maturity leave standing in the room holding her beautiful sweet miracle child. See we were pregnant at the same time with the same due date. Only she is holding her sweet one and mine are in Heaven. As I held back tears I wasn't expecting I said a short prayer "Lord, give me strength". The only thing I knew to do so I would not burst into tears was to avoid her and that sweet baby. I was relieved when she left. But, my thoughts kept swarming in my mind. I kept saying small prayers to get through and even went to the ladies room to cry just a little to see if that would help me endure. Because no one needs to know how much my heart breaks. Right?! By lunch time I went to the restaurant at this retreat center and was totally blindsided with a flood of emotions. I could not control what I was to eat here. See for the past 7 months I have been eating super healthy and for the past 2 months my body had finally decided to cooperate and lose a lot of the extra weight the fertility meds  had caused me to gain. I was in control of something. No at this moment all the food was unhealthy, gross, did not meet the criteria! I had checked out the menu online. Now they offered nothing that was on their online menu! I lost it! I walked out with my dignity. Then I called my sweet husband. Who by the way does not have a sister.  I was crying so uncontrollably he could not understand me. I just asked him to talk to me. Poor thing...he did not know what to do. I tried to explain to him and begged him to come get me! I needed to be home in my safe place where there was food that I knew was safe to eat. Where I could continue to hide my pain over losing our babies and losing my dream of being a mommy.  I just wanted to run, to exercise because that had become my go to stress reliever for the past two months.  He couldn't rescue me. Not because he didn't want to. But because I needed to continue my healing process. So some days are just hard! I found joy in the fact I have this wonderful husband to call. My friend/co-worker came to the room and had no idea why I completely melted down. So Charles was saved in a way!  On that day he was caught off guard and did not know what to do for me. Now he does. Now we laugh about it! Just pray Charlie, tell me a story, encourage me that God knows what he is doing. This day was July 29, 2014.  So as I write this on August 29, 2014 a month later... It's still hard. It's hard to see babies that would be the age of the ones I have lost. Going to work some days are hard because I had planned to be a stay at home mommy. My days should be full of diaper changes, feedings, coos and cries, playing and taking care of my sweet babies.  But instead God has me teaching 17 sweet children. I don't understand why. My heart aches everyday. I look to God and I thank him for the many blessings he has bestowed on my life. I smile and look for joy in everything. Without God's strength I could not go about my day to day. My prayer is that I can do the things he has set before me and he will give me the desire of my heart to be a mommy to a baby here on Earth.

I challenge you to look for joy in everything you do. To look at what God has put into your life and be thankful. To encourage people in your life that are hurting, to encourage and love others even if you don't know they are hurting. Not many know my aching heart, but an encouraging word brings joy to my soul!

Waiting!!! Once Again?!

So, it's been a month since we went active. So once again we find ourselves in this waiting time. Have I been here before? Yes!!! Do I really have to do this again, God? Yes! Why? I haven't figured that out yet. Except, God's timing is perfect. I met Charles on the perfect day, at the perfect time, in the perfect year. "God's timing" not mine.

So, what am I doing in the waiting? I scrubbed floors, stained a bookcase, spent countless hours with my best friend Jesus and Charles, walk/jog over 6 miles a day, bought a bicycle, practice guitar(not as much as I need to) and meet with friends. Oh, and I've begun to "Find Joy" in my life and the lives of the people around me. I'm coming out of the grief of where I've been. The darkness has now become hopeful. I've pondered this blog post for several weeks and have many drafts that may never get published. I can sense God using me to help others through "stuff". I've learned over the last few weeks that Joy really does come... not always the morning after suffering but it does come.

This song by Laura Hackett is just amazing. I hope it will bless you as it has blessed me. I've searched the word of God this summer for answers to my whys. Have they all been answered? No. Because sometimes we just have to have faith. I reached my dark night of the soul and cried out "God are you real?" My spirit already knew but my flesh was wrestling with God and what we have experienced over the last year and a half. Today, at church a realization that I have been like the Prodigal son's brother. Always there, doing the right stuff but angry when others get what my heart desires. God has been showing me to let go and let peace back into my heart, soul and head! This morning on my walk which slowly became a jog and I actually jogged 2 miles! (woot! woot!), God spoke gently to me about allowing his peace to fluid through me again. He reminded me of how amazing I used to feel when I carried his peace with me throughout my days.  As I let this peace fluid through me. I realized this amazing thing happened:  my heart and God's heart got back into rhythm together. See....we have been out of sync for a while (all my fault). For the first time in about 12 months my heart doesn't hurt, it hasn't gotten out of rhythm all day, I was able to run without stopping. Why? Over the past year while I would run I would feel as if my heart would beat so fast I couldn't breathe. Today, I was in perfect rhythm with my Heavenly Father as I allowed his perfect peace to flood through me like a nice summer breeze. Does this mean my grieving period is over? Probably not! But, it does mean that I am ok and will be ok. Even in the waiting!!  My hope is that my meltdowns will be fewer, I won't cry myself to sleep as often and that I will again be able to sense God in my everyday life and be a useful vessel of His love instead of a puddle of "self-pity"!

So if you are waiting on something huge in your life, my advice is to spend the waiting with Jesus. I'm His favorite one and so are you! Find the rhythm of His heart in your life. Look for "joy" in your day. Let His peace flood through you like the gentle breeze from the ocean. He is just waiting patiently for you!

Please continue to pray that a birth mom will choose us soon! Yes I am walking in peace but I long to be a mommy. I just can't wait to meet this precious baby!

In His love,
Virginia

We are "Fully Active"

We mailed a very large check on Monday. I was totally freaked out to mail something so priceless with only a $50 insurance. But, then the Holy Spirit spoke very clearly that he was all the insurance we needed. Yesterday, we got the call that our check arrived and that we are "Fully Active"! A friend sent this picture to me and it is beautiful! My cousin surprised me with the same picture for our nursery.

We are very excited about what the future holds for us. We do not know  God's timing. We do know that birth moms can now view our profile and video on line and they will receive our profile books at the agency.

Please continue to pray for our birth mother to choose life for her baby (or babies). That she will make smart choices for her and her baby, eat healthy and visit the doctor. We also would like to pray for her family and the father that they support, encourage and help her during this time.

Thank  you for traveling on this journey with us,

Virginia

The Future Looks Bright!

The "hubs" and I have been wanting to begin our family for over 3 years now. We have suffered a lot of heart-ache, grief and misunderstandings. Through it all God has been so good to us. We decided that this year we would begin the year off by beginning the adoption process. Wow!! What a process! We have finally finished all our paper work and paid our final payment to the agency. We have written and printed out profile books, taken pictures for our website and created a video to been seen by birth mothers. We will finally go "live" this week. I'm so excited about that! I can't wait to finally be a mommy. The "hubs" can't wait to be a daddy.

Our church family surprised us on Mother's Day and blessed us with encouraging words and gifts to help us with our nursery and video. We feel so blessed to be apart of this family of believers who care so much about us. It brought the whole "adoption" concept to heart for us. This group of people have adopted us as part of their family and they welcome this child that God has created for us and our family. I can not thank our church family enough for helping, loving and encouraging us through this journey to adopt!

I do not plan on placing our lives on Facebook right now. So I am creating this blog for those who care about us and want to know what is going on. This will help with the unanswered questions because we are too embarrassed to ask or we don't want to hurt feelings. This way you can log in and see what is going on. Please feel free to comment as well. Encouraging words are so powerful! I just ask that if you have something negative to comment you approach me and discuss it in private. I will do the same for you.

Here is a glimpse of our nursery! Thank you Dwelling Place Family for helping us! I can't wait for you to meet our baby. I can't wait for us to meet our baby!! Thank you for walking hand in hand on this journey with us!

 

Please pray for our birth mom. That she chooses life and takes care of herself while she is pregnant. Please pray for the health of our baby. Pray that all the finances we will need to pay lawyer fees will be available.  We thank you and covet your prayers.   

In the midst of grief....there is joy to be found,
Virginia

Who am I? Why one more blog?

I'm a first grade teacher and have been for 10 years. I taught kindergarten before that. I LOVE teaching! I'm a girl who doesn't talk much (I don't really like to) I would much rather text, write or listen! Many don't think I have anything to say. Well I'm a thinker so it takes me some time to process information before I can give my opinion.

 

I have lots to say but I don't feel like people really listen. So I keep my opinion to myself unless I think I can open up someone  to a new idea!

So this blog is mostly just for friends and family to know what is going on with us. I have a wonderful husband! HE is amazing! The LOVE of my life.

 

 

My next post will be about our upcoming events as a family! So stayed tuned.

 

Virginia