Super Soak!!

We are still pursuing our adoption with the hopes it will happen soon. I am praying that this spring brings us "Joy" in the way of a tiny baby we can call our own. I'm still considering making business cards to give to local doctors, friends, family and churches to market our adoption efforts.  

In the meantime..... Charles and I began GPS Classes. What is that you ask? Certification to foster or foster to adopt. I know, crazy how God leads you in different directions than what you think. I grew up with the idea of family being DNA, you look like this relative or you remind someone of a grandparent already living in Heaven. It's amazing how God can change your perspective and your heart in a blink. The last few weeks have been difficult for me at work. I have this class that consists of a few children who can push my buttons. Well, after I was possessed by a crazy woman and was mean to a few kids. I've pleaded with God to help me not turn into that person again. Which lead me to a video from Katie Souza ministries on "Healing of the Soul". I ordered her book and it seems to be lost in the mail. The tracking number has stalled in Arizona. God is awesome and I found her teaching on YouTube. Woo Hoo!! If my technology skills are what I hope they are, I plan to attach the link - if not I will embed the first one at the end. So with all that being said... 

                                           (Oh Wow! I did it!) 

There seems to be about 21 episodes of her teaching about how to heal your soul wounds. She teaches that there are two keys to healing your soul. First, is the blood of Jesus and second is the resurrection power (dunamis power) we all have in us when we accept Christ. Many times we pray the blood of Jesus over us, we ask forgiveness and then we forget to pray the resurrection power to heal our soul of the sin wound or trauma. This teaching is new to me. Maybe you have been living it, but I have not been able to fully comprehend this until this week. I've listened and prayed her prayers for 5 episodes. I am loving my "Snow Day" that I have time to spend with Jesus to get my soul healed. 
I don't want to walk around easily offended by comments people say. I'll give two examples. Last Saturday, the hubs and I were at SAMS. We ran into a sweet couple and their new 6 week old baby. We haven't seen them in a least a year. The new dad says "Oh we found this little guy in the parking lot, so we thought we would bring him in and let him hang out with us." I know I should not have been offended, but the comment hurt. Oh, how I would love to find a stray baby (instead of a stray dog)!! It probably didn't help that we parked by a car that was running, with a car seat in the back seat and a blanket over the car seat so you couldn't see if a baby was in the seat. (SERIOUSLY!!!) Second, being a teacher we have a few adopted kids in our school. It's amazingly not that uncommon. A teacher made a comment about a child behavior then ended it with "well, she is adopted!" I was like "Oh no you didn't just say that!" like I'm trying to adopt here!! Can you please think before you speak!!! When I brought it to my teacher friend's attention she quickly apologized. With all this being said... I don't want to be the person everyone avoids because it's awkward being around me or that I'm so easily offended that I'm no fun.  I know that I need to be healed of my soul wounds. If you are interested in the Healing of your soul videos I found them on YouTube and search Katie Souza Healing. 

This week I found "joy" in knowing I have some wonderful co-workers that helped me out. I found "joy" in getting some well needed soul healing and some new tools to use in continuing my journey toward healing.

Enjoy!

Virginia

Heart Sick???

So I've been casting my care on the Lord a lot lately. Especially, with the trails of last week. I felt like I was put through the furnace and came out char-broiled!

I get emails from Patricia Kings Ministries and she gives a free video once in a while. This week it was about the secret to healing and provision. Katie Souza talked about wholeness of soul. It was a NOW word for me! I was so heart sick over my explosive behavior with one child in my room. What caused this breaking point?  Souza talks about how the Lord wants us to prosper and be in good health in every area of our lives. The key to this, according to 3 John 1:2 is "as your soul prospers". The Lord showed Souza that He wants to make our soul -mind, will, emotions, passions, desires - whole and aligned with Him. She states that the root of your problems or issues may be an issue of the soul. It was a wonderful episode and I highly recommend you go to xpministries.com and search for "Soul Decrees".  After listening and praying the prayer with Souza and King at the end, my week as been incredibly different. Is that same child "pushing all my buttons"? Yes! But, I see him the way Jesus sees him instead of through the eyes of "Virginia". I have been able to breath and not "explode" into something unrecognizable.  Another cool thing I found this week...I anointed my doorway with oil at the beginning of the year and again in October. On Monday, when I was hanging some heart streamers from my door  the oil cross was still  there with a bead of oil on the end. For me, this was confirmation that the Lord hears my cry for help! For all those who have been praying, I have felt the prayers and the sadness has lifted. I am planning on getting the book by Katie Souza "Soul Decrees".  I encourage you to check out the video on the website. I included the link at the bottom of the post.

 I am tired of being physically sick, emotionally drained, beat down and not seeing the miracles I have been praying for so diligently for many years. I had a stirring in my soul that this could be an answer to healing those "soul hurts".

This week I have found joy in knowing God hears my heart cry and that there is hope for this broken heart.

                                                            (another Pinterest find)
www.xpministries.com

Virginia

When things go wrong...

Why do things go wrong? Why do we make bad choices? Why do bad things happen to people who try so hard to do everything right? Why is the journey hard for some people and easy for others? This school year for this first grade teacher has been my hardest. I feel like it's me against everyone else. The culture of my classroom is not what I set it up to be. It's supposed to be this loving environment that is totally wonderful and everyone gets along (at least most of the time). But instead it is full of bickering, whining, talking smack and just plan rude children. It makes my head spin and I have found myself zoning out and going to a happy place in my mind. Then when I reach that point that I can't take anymore...I explode right along with the kids. I turn into something scary, mean, down right WRONG! So where I am right now is - how do I change the culture of my classroom? How do I cultivate a loving environment? After 20 years of teaching I feel like I can't manage the behavior mix in my classroom. This totally terrifies me! I've always been able to cultivate a safe loving environment in my classroom. I've never experienced this before. One thing I know is that I can't change the environment my students come from. I can't change their personalities. When I pray, the one thing that continues to come up is the story of the sower and the seed. All I can do is plant the seed. A seed to love and not fight. To listen and be open-minded to others' ideas instead of closed to only one way to think. All I can do is plant a seed that honesty and trust are the best route to take. This is all I can do as a teacher. But, how do I deal with the constant bickering? How to I handle the children who whine all day about everything? How do I deal with the rude comments about "why do we have to learn about this?" and "I want to have free time on my iPad!" 

Recently, I've wondered if I need to take time off. When I think about it, I can't stand the idea of missing out on the growth and the daily lives of my students. I do love each one of them. Even though it has been difficult. I don't want to leave them. I want them to succeed! I want them to learn and be happy children. So I know that it is not an option to run away. I know that God has me on this journey for a reason. I will make it through mistakes and all! Hopefully, these students will remember the love I've poured into them and the fun lessons. Prayerfully, one day the seeds I've planted will sprout in their lives and they will be principled, caring, happy people. 

This post has been a little difficult to write but in the writing of it I do feel better. I think I needed that! Sometimes it is hard to say how we feel and wonder if anyone really cares. So I can find joy in this week. The smile of my sweet husband. I'm thankful he is home and not on a work trip. 

Virginia

It's Been A While....

Life has been busy. This school year has been a tough one. This summer I had a wave of anxiety like never before. I couldn't stop thinking about my classroom and getting it organized (as I sit here remembering my heart begins to race). Why? Because this school year had such wonderful promise. I was in a new room, I was able to organize it the way I've always wanted, I had some great new ideas for my upcoming first graders. One never knows how grief will affect them until it does. It hit me first day back at work at the faculty retreat. I think that major melt down was in an earlier post. (yikes!) The school year began and I never felt completely prepared (what teacher does?), mostly due to this excessive anxiety to get it right, not show my hurt or sadness, my drive not to allow depression to enter my life for any reason. Then I meet my wonderful class. OH MY!! I have a very smart group of kiddos and a very active, hands on, don't take your eyes off group!  Which is such a challenge. Some days I am up for it and other days I fail HUGE!!  This past week I felt like such a failure as a teacher. Because we know the saying you always hear "Children may not remember what you say, what you did with them or for them, but they will remember how you make them feel."  This cuts my heart in a Ka-Jillion pieces!! I never want to hurt a child's heart or for them to think I'm mean. But lately...I feel mean! No excuses can be made. So how do I change??  I fight this "yucky" in me!  I dive head first, heart first, feet first into the word of God. How do I do all this first you may ask? You ball up and you cry out to God for forgiveness and ask Him to change your heart and to help you not to  become some evil teacher that you read about in books or fairy tales. With the  rise of teacher bashing, public school bashing and Common Core misunderstandings;  I don't want to fall into some crazy statistics!  All I can do is try to change my attitude. When you feel like all the hard work you are doing doesn't matter at all. It's tough! Then in December I learned that I had three types of strep along with Epstein Barr. Hello?! Not to mention some crazy virus only kids get. (Sometimes I think I'm in a battle zone of germs.) So that is why I've felt so horrible for months. All I wanted to do was sleep.  So  I began my quest to be even more healthy. So I started taking a plethora of vitamins, minerals, prebiotics and probiotics. So after finding all this out and beginning all these supplements. I take my dear friend to B'ham for knee surgery. On the way there I begin to feel kind of sick. I don't think too much of it. That night I can't sleep and my skin hurts. I run to the bathroom every 30 minutes (oh yeah, I forgot to mention I had crystals in my kidneys), and I'm feeling extremely yucky. The next day my friend has no idea I feel bad. I'm trying my hardest to pay attention to everything the doctor is saying about her because she is on some heavy pain meds. So the drive home is painful. I am feeling so bad. I know I am running a fever. So when I finally get home and take my temp ... OH MY 103.4!! Am I dying???? I never run fevers higher than 100. Well six weeks later I'm feeling better but still super tired, but not all the time. The sleepies hit me around 4 o'clock or some days 5 o'clock. So I know I am getting better. This makes me happy.

(A photo I found on Pinterest!)

 

So as I continue to fail in my mind, I have to tap into my spirit man which knows that I am not truly failing if I am working unto the Lord. The bible tells us "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, .......For it is the Lord that you are serving"...Colossians 3:23-24.  Everyday, I do my best to work unto the Lord and not rely on human praise. Some days, I fail at this!! I am human. Right?! I want to know that I have done a good job. I am trying to be excellent in my job. But this year I have been tested. Some times I pass and most days I feel like I have failed. Why? Because I'm still grieving? Because I am exhausted? Yes to both. But I will never give up trying to be my best and do my best. Oh and I find JOY in knowing that God forgives me and finds a way for that child that I hurt to also forgive me because I asked for forgiveness.

 

 So once again I have wowed you with my most inner ramblings.

If you can, pray that I can get rid of this Epstein Barr for good! Also, pray that I can reach my goal weight finally and be the healthiest me ever!!

Thanks for reading!

 

Virginia

Some Days are Hard!

This past week I read a sweet friend's blog of her struggles of grieving after miscarriage. I have been searching my heart and mind for how to write down what I have been feeling over the past month. Just when I could smile again and hear God's voice again...I think I'm healed my grieving for our babies lost is over. No not really, some days are just hard! You see a young mother struggling with her little ones out, you see a little girl who looks like what you envisioned your baby to look like, or you see a little baby boy and you think... Maybe that's my problem I just keep thinking about it. Grieving is hard...as I began this new school year I thought I was ok. I arrived at my destination for a Faculty Retreat, that I did not want to attend, with feeling ok; at least better than I had felt in a long time. Also, looking a lot different than I did just two short months ago. I was prepared for issues such as "How's the adoption?", "My baby is sleeping through the night.", to "I can't believe my baby is in high school this year." But what I wasn't prepared for was seeing a sweet co-worker, who is on maturity leave standing in the room holding her beautiful sweet miracle child. See we were pregnant at the same time with the same due date. Only she is holding her sweet one and mine are in Heaven. As I held back tears I wasn't expecting I said a short prayer "Lord, give me strength". The only thing I knew to do so I would not burst into tears was to avoid her and that sweet baby. I was relieved when she left. But, my thoughts kept swarming in my mind. I kept saying small prayers to get through and even went to the ladies room to cry just a little to see if that would help me endure. Because no one needs to know how much my heart breaks. Right?! By lunch time I went to the restaurant at this retreat center and was totally blindsided with a flood of emotions. I could not control what I was to eat here. See for the past 7 months I have been eating super healthy and for the past 2 months my body had finally decided to cooperate and lose a lot of the extra weight the fertility meds  had caused me to gain. I was in control of something. No at this moment all the food was unhealthy, gross, did not meet the criteria! I had checked out the menu online. Now they offered nothing that was on their online menu! I lost it! I walked out with my dignity. Then I called my sweet husband. Who by the way does not have a sister.  I was crying so uncontrollably he could not understand me. I just asked him to talk to me. Poor thing...he did not know what to do. I tried to explain to him and begged him to come get me! I needed to be home in my safe place where there was food that I knew was safe to eat. Where I could continue to hide my pain over losing our babies and losing my dream of being a mommy.  I just wanted to run, to exercise because that had become my go to stress reliever for the past two months.  He couldn't rescue me. Not because he didn't want to. But because I needed to continue my healing process. So some days are just hard! I found joy in the fact I have this wonderful husband to call. My friend/co-worker came to the room and had no idea why I completely melted down. So Charles was saved in a way!  On that day he was caught off guard and did not know what to do for me. Now he does. Now we laugh about it! Just pray Charlie, tell me a story, encourage me that God knows what he is doing. This day was July 29, 2014.  So as I write this on August 29, 2014 a month later... It's still hard. It's hard to see babies that would be the age of the ones I have lost. Going to work some days are hard because I had planned to be a stay at home mommy. My days should be full of diaper changes, feedings, coos and cries, playing and taking care of my sweet babies.  But instead God has me teaching 17 sweet children. I don't understand why. My heart aches everyday. I look to God and I thank him for the many blessings he has bestowed on my life. I smile and look for joy in everything. Without God's strength I could not go about my day to day. My prayer is that I can do the things he has set before me and he will give me the desire of my heart to be a mommy to a baby here on Earth.

I challenge you to look for joy in everything you do. To look at what God has put into your life and be thankful. To encourage people in your life that are hurting, to encourage and love others even if you don't know they are hurting. Not many know my aching heart, but an encouraging word brings joy to my soul!

Waiting!!! Once Again?!

So, it's been a month since we went active. So once again we find ourselves in this waiting time. Have I been here before? Yes!!! Do I really have to do this again, God? Yes! Why? I haven't figured that out yet. Except, God's timing is perfect. I met Charles on the perfect day, at the perfect time, in the perfect year. "God's timing" not mine.

So, what am I doing in the waiting? I scrubbed floors, stained a bookcase, spent countless hours with my best friend Jesus and Charles, walk/jog over 6 miles a day, bought a bicycle, practice guitar(not as much as I need to) and meet with friends. Oh, and I've begun to "Find Joy" in my life and the lives of the people around me. I'm coming out of the grief of where I've been. The darkness has now become hopeful. I've pondered this blog post for several weeks and have many drafts that may never get published. I can sense God using me to help others through "stuff". I've learned over the last few weeks that Joy really does come... not always the morning after suffering but it does come.

This song by Laura Hackett is just amazing. I hope it will bless you as it has blessed me. I've searched the word of God this summer for answers to my whys. Have they all been answered? No. Because sometimes we just have to have faith. I reached my dark night of the soul and cried out "God are you real?" My spirit already knew but my flesh was wrestling with God and what we have experienced over the last year and a half. Today, at church a realization that I have been like the Prodigal son's brother. Always there, doing the right stuff but angry when others get what my heart desires. God has been showing me to let go and let peace back into my heart, soul and head! This morning on my walk which slowly became a jog and I actually jogged 2 miles! (woot! woot!), God spoke gently to me about allowing his peace to fluid through me again. He reminded me of how amazing I used to feel when I carried his peace with me throughout my days.  As I let this peace fluid through me. I realized this amazing thing happened:  my heart and God's heart got back into rhythm together. See....we have been out of sync for a while (all my fault). For the first time in about 12 months my heart doesn't hurt, it hasn't gotten out of rhythm all day, I was able to run without stopping. Why? Over the past year while I would run I would feel as if my heart would beat so fast I couldn't breathe. Today, I was in perfect rhythm with my Heavenly Father as I allowed his perfect peace to flood through me like a nice summer breeze. Does this mean my grieving period is over? Probably not! But, it does mean that I am ok and will be ok. Even in the waiting!!  My hope is that my meltdowns will be fewer, I won't cry myself to sleep as often and that I will again be able to sense God in my everyday life and be a useful vessel of His love instead of a puddle of "self-pity"!

So if you are waiting on something huge in your life, my advice is to spend the waiting with Jesus. I'm His favorite one and so are you! Find the rhythm of His heart in your life. Look for "joy" in your day. Let His peace flood through you like the gentle breeze from the ocean. He is just waiting patiently for you!

Please continue to pray that a birth mom will choose us soon! Yes I am walking in peace but I long to be a mommy. I just can't wait to meet this precious baby!

In His love,
Virginia

We are "Fully Active"

We mailed a very large check on Monday. I was totally freaked out to mail something so priceless with only a $50 insurance. But, then the Holy Spirit spoke very clearly that he was all the insurance we needed. Yesterday, we got the call that our check arrived and that we are "Fully Active"! A friend sent this picture to me and it is beautiful! My cousin surprised me with the same picture for our nursery.

We are very excited about what the future holds for us. We do not know  God's timing. We do know that birth moms can now view our profile and video on line and they will receive our profile books at the agency.

Please continue to pray for our birth mother to choose life for her baby (or babies). That she will make smart choices for her and her baby, eat healthy and visit the doctor. We also would like to pray for her family and the father that they support, encourage and help her during this time.

Thank  you for traveling on this journey with us,

Virginia