When things go wrong...

Why do things go wrong? Why do we make bad choices? Why do bad things happen to people who try so hard to do everything right? Why is the journey hard for some people and easy for others? This school year for this first grade teacher has been my hardest. I feel like it's me against everyone else. The culture of my classroom is not what I set it up to be. It's supposed to be this loving environment that is totally wonderful and everyone gets along (at least most of the time). But instead it is full of bickering, whining, talking smack and just plan rude children. It makes my head spin and I have found myself zoning out and going to a happy place in my mind. Then when I reach that point that I can't take anymore...I explode right along with the kids. I turn into something scary, mean, down right WRONG! So where I am right now is - how do I change the culture of my classroom? How do I cultivate a loving environment? After 20 years of teaching I feel like I can't manage the behavior mix in my classroom. This totally terrifies me! I've always been able to cultivate a safe loving environment in my classroom. I've never experienced this before. One thing I know is that I can't change the environment my students come from. I can't change their personalities. When I pray, the one thing that continues to come up is the story of the sower and the seed. All I can do is plant the seed. A seed to love and not fight. To listen and be open-minded to others' ideas instead of closed to only one way to think. All I can do is plant a seed that honesty and trust are the best route to take. This is all I can do as a teacher. But, how do I deal with the constant bickering? How to I handle the children who whine all day about everything? How do I deal with the rude comments about "why do we have to learn about this?" and "I want to have free time on my iPad!" 

Recently, I've wondered if I need to take time off. When I think about it, I can't stand the idea of missing out on the growth and the daily lives of my students. I do love each one of them. Even though it has been difficult. I don't want to leave them. I want them to succeed! I want them to learn and be happy children. So I know that it is not an option to run away. I know that God has me on this journey for a reason. I will make it through mistakes and all! Hopefully, these students will remember the love I've poured into them and the fun lessons. Prayerfully, one day the seeds I've planted will sprout in their lives and they will be principled, caring, happy people. 

This post has been a little difficult to write but in the writing of it I do feel better. I think I needed that! Sometimes it is hard to say how we feel and wonder if anyone really cares. So I can find joy in this week. The smile of my sweet husband. I'm thankful he is home and not on a work trip. 

Virginia