Some Days are Hard!

This past week I read a sweet friend's blog of her struggles of grieving after miscarriage. I have been searching my heart and mind for how to write down what I have been feeling over the past month. Just when I could smile again and hear God's voice again...I think I'm healed my grieving for our babies lost is over. No not really, some days are just hard! You see a young mother struggling with her little ones out, you see a little girl who looks like what you envisioned your baby to look like, or you see a little baby boy and you think... Maybe that's my problem I just keep thinking about it. Grieving is hard...as I began this new school year I thought I was ok. I arrived at my destination for a Faculty Retreat, that I did not want to attend, with feeling ok; at least better than I had felt in a long time. Also, looking a lot different than I did just two short months ago. I was prepared for issues such as "How's the adoption?", "My baby is sleeping through the night.", to "I can't believe my baby is in high school this year." But what I wasn't prepared for was seeing a sweet co-worker, who is on maturity leave standing in the room holding her beautiful sweet miracle child. See we were pregnant at the same time with the same due date. Only she is holding her sweet one and mine are in Heaven. As I held back tears I wasn't expecting I said a short prayer "Lord, give me strength". The only thing I knew to do so I would not burst into tears was to avoid her and that sweet baby. I was relieved when she left. But, my thoughts kept swarming in my mind. I kept saying small prayers to get through and even went to the ladies room to cry just a little to see if that would help me endure. Because no one needs to know how much my heart breaks. Right?! By lunch time I went to the restaurant at this retreat center and was totally blindsided with a flood of emotions. I could not control what I was to eat here. See for the past 7 months I have been eating super healthy and for the past 2 months my body had finally decided to cooperate and lose a lot of the extra weight the fertility meds  had caused me to gain. I was in control of something. No at this moment all the food was unhealthy, gross, did not meet the criteria! I had checked out the menu online. Now they offered nothing that was on their online menu! I lost it! I walked out with my dignity. Then I called my sweet husband. Who by the way does not have a sister.  I was crying so uncontrollably he could not understand me. I just asked him to talk to me. Poor thing...he did not know what to do. I tried to explain to him and begged him to come get me! I needed to be home in my safe place where there was food that I knew was safe to eat. Where I could continue to hide my pain over losing our babies and losing my dream of being a mommy.  I just wanted to run, to exercise because that had become my go to stress reliever for the past two months.  He couldn't rescue me. Not because he didn't want to. But because I needed to continue my healing process. So some days are just hard! I found joy in the fact I have this wonderful husband to call. My friend/co-worker came to the room and had no idea why I completely melted down. So Charles was saved in a way!  On that day he was caught off guard and did not know what to do for me. Now he does. Now we laugh about it! Just pray Charlie, tell me a story, encourage me that God knows what he is doing. This day was July 29, 2014.  So as I write this on August 29, 2014 a month later... It's still hard. It's hard to see babies that would be the age of the ones I have lost. Going to work some days are hard because I had planned to be a stay at home mommy. My days should be full of diaper changes, feedings, coos and cries, playing and taking care of my sweet babies.  But instead God has me teaching 17 sweet children. I don't understand why. My heart aches everyday. I look to God and I thank him for the many blessings he has bestowed on my life. I smile and look for joy in everything. Without God's strength I could not go about my day to day. My prayer is that I can do the things he has set before me and he will give me the desire of my heart to be a mommy to a baby here on Earth.

I challenge you to look for joy in everything you do. To look at what God has put into your life and be thankful. To encourage people in your life that are hurting, to encourage and love others even if you don't know they are hurting. Not many know my aching heart, but an encouraging word brings joy to my soul!